Am I a Christian?

Scary title right?  This has really been weighing heavy on my heart lately, so I thought I would share.  I'm going to be open and honest so here it goes.  Does anyone else get so frustrated at themselves as a "Christian"?  Gosh, I do.  I don't understand why I am not on my knees daily for Him?  Yet, I'm not....I want to be, but I'm not.  I struggle with diving into the Word and really studying it, I struggle with my prayer life and I struggle with turning from what the world has to offer to completely surrender to Him.  I grew up hearing Christianity is like a check list.  Do these things and you will have more favor with God....what a set up for failure right?  We can do nothing/NOTHING to gain favor with Him.  I think I still struggle with this and perhaps it is in the very core of me and that's why I am so hard on myself.  I think because of that it pushes me away further from His grace.  Lord, I believe, Help my unbelief.  (Mark 9:24)

So....what to do about this?  I've joined a small group....and it's helping, but not enough.  I still feel like I'm coasting through.  I know most of us have heard that God does not have a thing for those who are in lukewarm, in fact He even says he will spit them out of His mouth. That is exactly how I would describe myself.  I want to be HOT!  People who know me well, know I place much emphasis on the emotions in life/circumstances.  I think this is how I am with my spiritual life as well, I am seeking for the emotional high.  But, you know what....I've learned it's not good to always be so emotional.  Sometimes you just have to look at the facts and be logical and with this comes discipline.  My discipline would be reading the Word every night.  I know that sounds bad, that it's a discipline, I should enjoy it right?  But, I trust I will once I seek it.  The Word will not return  void.  It is our source of life.  So, I really want to hold myself accountable to this.  I also have decided to keep a prayer journal again to hold myself accountable for prayer with intent.  How many times do I pray in passing or while I'm falling asleep?  This is not what a prayer life is suppose to be.  One of it's purposes is to develop/grow intimacy with God.  And you do that by spending time together, just as any other type of relationship.  Why do I know all these things yet putting them into practice is so hard?

I think if I ask myself at the end of each day, "Alison, Christian, how did you glorify Him today? What did you do to further the kingdom?"  If I, you, any Christian does not have an answer to that...can't we ask ourselves are we really Christian?  I know that is heavy, believe me I do.  But if someone can not look at us and set us apart from the world, are we a Christian?  If we are a child of God can we continuously live in sin?  If our hearts have not transformed and our desires are not to daily surrender to Him and live for His glory alone, are we a Christian?  It is waaaaayyyyyy more than just believing in Jesus and going to church on Sundays.  That's playing a game....and possibly going your entire life without ever really "knowing" Him.  It scares me to think of the day I face Christ and he asks, "What have you done for my Kingdom?"  My answer.....Well, I believed in you and I went on some mission trips and attended church....uhhh studder....   The words returned would be, "Depart from me for I NEVER KNEW YOU"  Lord, I pray this is not the case.  Let me live for You daily, because that is the only thing that matters in this short span on this earth. 

I want more, I need more and it brings my heart great joy to think of how God could rock my world if I give it.


Some versus to ponder on:

1 John 2:15-16



Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.



Isaiah 55:11


It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.

2 Corinthians 6:14-18  (You are who you surround yourself with)



Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”


Revelation 1:3



Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the time is near.